If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

It's called karma, and it's pronounced Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

Karma bus delayed due to high demand. No worries. It's coming.

Karma bus delayed due to high demand. No worries. It’s coming.

Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.

Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.

Dear karma, please be punctual.

Dear karma, please be punctual.

Karma has no problem getting back in touch with you when need be.

Karma has no problem getting back in touch with you when need be.

I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it.

I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

Karma never loses an address.

Karma never loses an address.

I'm going to sit back and laugh when karma punches you in the face.

I’m going to sit back and laugh when karma punches you in the face.

Karma's just sharpening her nails and finishing her drink....

Karma’s just sharpening her nails and finishing her drink. She says, she’ll be with you shortly.

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there just in case it needs help.

When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there just in case it needs help.

Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

Revenge? Naaah...I'm too lazy. I'm gonna sit here and let karma f*ck you up.

Revenge? Naaah…I’m too lazy. I’m gonna sit here and let karma f*ck you up.

Be careful how you treat people. What you do to others has a funny way of coming back on you.

Be careful how you treat people. What you do to others has a funny way of coming back on you.

It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

- Arnold Palmer

Air travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.

- Al Gore
If your boyfriend doesn't have a beard, you have a girlfriend.

If your boyfriend doesn’t have a beard, you have a girlfriend.

Why do I grow a Beard? Because I am neither a woman nor a child.

Why do I grow a Beard? Because I am neither a woman nor a child.

Shaving says a lot about a Man. Like, "I'm not one."

Shaving says a lot about a Man. Like, “I’m not one.”

So you don't like my beard? Thats ok, I didn't grow it for you.

So you don’t like my beard? That’s ok, I didn’t grow it for you.

My hair grows and grows; you cannot stop it – that fellow grows, it grows wild.

- A. P. J. Abdul Kalam

Something which seems funny when it happens to someone else, may not seem so funny when it happens to us.

- Aesop
I smile like an idiot when I think about you.

I smile like an idiot when I think about you.

I think of you even when I’m really, really hungry.

I think of you even when I’m really, really hungry.

It’s hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind.

It’s hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind. Thinking of You.

If every time I thought of you, a star fell, well…the sky would be empty

If every time I thought of you, a star fell, well…the sky would be empty.

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprising how often they head in your direction.

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprising how often they head in your direction.

And my thoughts drift to you.

And my thoughts drift to you.

In case you ever foolishly forget, I am never not thinking of you.

In case you ever foolishly forget, I am never not thinking of you.

I’m lazy, and I know it.

I’m lazy, and I know it.

My bed is my boyfriend.

My bed is my boyfriend.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing

I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness....

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. But if you find one, let me know.

A drunk man never tells a lie.

A drunk man never tells a lie.

My favorite drink is the next one.

My favorite drink is the next one.

According to chemistry alcohol is the solution.

According to chemistry alcohol is the solution.

To me “Drink Responsibly” means don’t spill it.

To me “Drink Responsibly” means don’t spill it.

I don’t need alcohol to take bad decisions.

I don’t need alcohol to take bad decisions.

You can't photoshop your personality.

You can’t photoshop your personality.

Always love a women for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Always love a women for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

I have a happy personality with a heavy soul. Sometimes it gets weird.

I have a happy personality with a heavy soul. Sometimes it gets weird.

Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like it's funny.

Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.

My face is a 4. My personality is 6. So I am basically a 10.

My face is a 4. My personality is 6. So I am basically a 10.

My personality test results came back. They're negative.

My personality test results came back. They’re negative.

Your secrets are safe with me...I wasn't even listening.

Your secrets are safe with me…I wasn’t even listening.

Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at.

Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.

Seeing a lizard in my room isn't scary, It's scary when it disappears.

Seeing a lizard in my room isn’t scary, It’s scary when it disappears.