Your secrets are safe with me…I wasn’t even listening.
Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.
Seeing a lizard in my room isn’t scary, It’s scary when it disappears.
You couldn’t handle me even If I came with instructions.
Don’t judge me for the choices I make when you don’t know the options I had to choose from.
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
People talk about me behind my back and I just sit here like “Damn. I got myself a fan club.”
Yes I know there is a real special place in hell for me. It is called a throne.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.
Due to the confidentiality of my job, I don’t know what I’m doing.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday??? Retired.
Don’t let idiots ruin your day.
Do your know why birds sing in the mornings??? Because they don’t have to go to fuc*ing work.
Sometimes even the devil on my shoulder asks: “What the fu*k are you doing?”
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five to six times, just to be sure.
Be Bold or Italic, never Regular.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes. I’m thinking of making a few more.
Monday hates you too.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep Sleeping.
At night I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Nap time is my happy hour.
Due to unfortunate circumstances I am awake.
Sometimes getting out of bed just ruins the whole day.
Just do it!!! But tomorrow…
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
Being single is smarter than being in the wrong relationship.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
The biggest step in any relationship isn’t the first kiss…It’s the first fart.
Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as shit.
Be someone’s Sunday, not Saturday night.
I didn’t want to fall in love, but at some point you smiled and holy shit I blew it.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.