Air travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.
If your boyfriend doesn’t have a beard, you have a girlfriend.
Why do I grow a Beard? Because I am neither a woman nor a child.
Shaving says a lot about a Man. Like, “I’m not one.”
So you don’t like my beard? That’s ok, I didn’t grow it for you.
My hair grows and grows; you cannot stop it – that fellow grows, it grows wild.
Something which seems funny when it happens to someone else, may not seem so funny when it happens to us.
I smile like an idiot when I think about you.
I think of you even when I’m really, really hungry.
It’s hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind. Thinking of You.
If every time I thought of you, a star fell, well…the sky would be empty.
My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprising how often they head in your direction.
And my thoughts drift to you.
In case you ever foolishly forget, I am never not thinking of you.
I’m lazy, and I know it.
My bed is my boyfriend.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. But if you find one, let me know.
A drunk man never tells a lie.
My favorite drink is the next one.
According to chemistry alcohol is the solution.
To me “Drink Responsibly” means don’t spill it.
I don’t need alcohol to take bad decisions.
You can’t photoshop your personality.
Always love a women for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I have a happy personality with a heavy soul. Sometimes it gets weird.
Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.
My face is a 4. My personality is 6. So I am basically a 10.
My personality test results came back. They’re negative.
Your secrets are safe with me…I wasn’t even listening.
Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.
Seeing a lizard in my room isn’t scary, It’s scary when it disappears.
You couldn’t handle me even If I came with instructions.
Don’t judge me for the choices I make when you don’t know the options I had to choose from.
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
People talk about me behind my back and I just sit here like “Damn. I got myself a fan club.”
Yes I know there is a real special place in hell for me. It is called a throne.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.
Due to the confidentiality of my job, I don’t know what I’m doing.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday??? Retired.
Don’t let idiots ruin your day.
Do your know why birds sing in the mornings??? Because they don’t have to go to fuc*ing work.
Sometimes even the devil on my shoulder asks: “What the fu*k are you doing?”
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five to six times, just to be sure.