At night I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Nap time is my happy hour.
Due to unfortunate circumstances I am awake.
Sometimes getting out of bed just ruins the whole day.
Just do it!!! But tomorrow…
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
Being single is smarter than being in the wrong relationship.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
The biggest step in any relationship isn’t the first kiss…It’s the first fart.
Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as shit.
Be someone’s Sunday, not Saturday night.
I didn’t want to fall in love, but at some point you smiled and holy shit I blew it.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Me: I’m finally happy. Life: Lol, wait a sec.
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
I came. I saw. I made it awkward.
Life is not a fairy tale, If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.
To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.
Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
Never let your friends feel lonely!!! Disturb them at all times.
True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.
If you have friends as weird as you then you have everything.
Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.
Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.
A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.
Best friend is a person who opens his mouth just to insult you.
One fake friend can do more damage than five enemies.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
You say I’m dirty minded…But how did you understand what I meant??
I was an innocent being…then my best friend came along.
I’d like to thank: My middle finger for always being there, sticking up for me all those times when i needed it most.
I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Common sense is so rare these days, it should be considered a super power.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has perfect taste.
Shit happens. I mean…Just look at your face.
All my life I thought air was free…until I bought a pack of chips.
Finally figured out the reason why I look so bad in pictures…It’s my face.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Strong people don’t put others down…they lift them up.
I reply in 0.2 seconds or 3-5 business days.
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times.
Never ever do business with the government. Be in love with them, never marry them.