When you’re thinking that I’m thinking of you, I’m thinking you’re thinking of me.
My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprising how often they head in your direction.
And my thoughts drift to you.
In case you ever foolishly forget, I am never not thinking of you.
Lazy people are always busy.
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer the term selective participation.
My bed is my boyfriend.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I’m not lazy. Just highly motivated not to do anything.
I’m not lazy, I’m just not pro-work oriented.
My ambition is handicapped by laziness.
A drunk man never tells a lie.
Alcohol may not be the answer, but it sure helps forget the question.
Friday is the beginning of my liver’s workweek.
Ever noticed how some people talk louder when they drink? That’s why alcohol content is listed by volume.
You can’t photoshop your personality.
I may be quiet, but I have so much on my mind.
I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.
My level of maturity changes depending on who I’m with.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
You’d think with all your multiple personalities, at least one would be likeable.
Your secrets are safe with me…I wasn’t even listening.
Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.
Seeing a lizard in my room isn’t scary, It’s scary when it disappears.
You couldn’t handle me even If I came with instructions.
People talk about me behind my back and I just sit here like “Damn. I got myself a fan club.”
Yes I know there is a real special place in hell for me. It is called a throne.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.
Due to the confidentiality of my job, I don’t know what I’m doing.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
Don’t let idiots ruin your day.
Do your know why birds sing in the mornings??? Because they don’t have to go to fuc*ing work.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five to six times, just to be sure.
Be Bold or Italic, never Regular.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes. I’m thinking of making a few more.
Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep Sleeping.
At night I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Due to unfortunate circumstances I am awake.
Just do it!!! But tomorrow…
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
The biggest step in any relationship isn’t the first kiss…It’s the first fart.
Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as shit.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Me: I’m finally happy. Life: Lol, wait a sec.
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
I came. I saw. I made it awkward.
Life is not a fairy tale, If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.