The gods too are fond of a joke.
The secret to humor is surprise.
If a dog jumps into your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
The point about zero is that we do not need to use it in the operation of daily life. No one goes out to buy zero fish.
Air travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.
My parents warned me about the drugs in the streets but never the ones with big brown eyes and a heartbeat.
A man without moustache is like a woman with moustache.
If your boyfriend doesn’t have a beard, you have a girlfriend.
Why do I grow a Beard? Because I am neither a woman nor a child.
Shaving says a lot about a Man. Like, “I’m not one.”
So you don’t like my beard? That’s ok, I didn’t grow it for you.
My hair grows and grows; you cannot stop it – that fellow grows, it grows wild.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Style, like sheer silk underwear, sometimes hides eczema.
Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face.
It is not your paintings I like, it is your painting.
There was a young man who said though, it seems that I know that I know, but what I would like to see is the I that knows me when I know that I know that I know.
Just as true humor is laughter at oneself, true humanity is knowledge of oneself.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
I began furiously making lists, and more lists, until I was making lists of lists . . .
When you’re thinking that I’m thinking of you, I’m thinking you’re thinking of me.
My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprising how often they head in your direction.
And my thoughts drift to you.
In case you ever foolishly forget, I am never not thinking of you.
Lazy people are always busy.
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer the term selective participation.
My bed is my boyfriend.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I’m not lazy. Just highly motivated not to do anything.
I’m not lazy, I’m just not pro-work oriented.
My ambition is handicapped by laziness.
A drunk man never tells a lie.
Alcohol may not be the answer, but it sure helps forget the question.
Friday is the beginning of my liver’s workweek.
Ever noticed how some people talk louder when they drink? That’s why alcohol content is listed by volume.
You can’t photoshop your personality.
I may be quiet, but I have so much on my mind.
I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.
My level of maturity changes depending on who I’m with.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
You’d think with all your multiple personalities, at least one would be likeable.
Your secrets are safe with me…I wasn’t even listening.
Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.
Seeing a lizard in my room isn’t scary, It’s scary when it disappears.
You couldn’t handle me even If I came with instructions.
People talk about me behind my back and I just sit here like “Damn. I got myself a fan club.”
Yes I know there is a real special place in hell for me. It is called a throne.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.